


Will You Still Love Me

by Spideypool is my weakness (CinnabunAngel)



Series: Fireball Shots Look Smoother Than This [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Deadpool (2016), The Amazing Spider-Man (Movies - Webb), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Multi, One Shot, Soul Bond, au here and there, losing oneself, might have smut here and there
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-26
Updated: 2016-07-26
Packaged: 2018-07-26 18:48:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,617
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7585828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnabunAngel/pseuds/Spideypool%20is%20my%20weakness
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of one shots, various ships, various topics, various AU's.<br/>Each one will come with a personal rating based on content</p>
            </blockquote>





	Will You Still Love Me

**Author's Note:**

> Will you still love me when I'm losing my mind? If I go crazy are you still going to call me superman? If I'm alive will you still hold my hand even if I'm no longer myself?
> 
> The fight might be over but sometimes you lose yourself in the process of getting better. Bucky is still not sure who he is, doesn't want to hurt the one person he loves the most in this world. Who's fought to save his ass, to beat sense into him, to keep him from killing.
> 
> -Bucky hasn't been put in the freeze right after the events of the Civil War movie.  
> -Explicit: m/m sex, ptsd issues, mentions of killing/death

Things have finally calmed down. The media had calmed down, and Steve and Bucky could return back to the Stark Tower....But they didn't. 

No. James "Bucky" Barnes wasn't sure of himself enough to be able to go back. Even with Steve's encouraging words, supportive hands. Bucky wasn't Bucky, not yet.

Steve Rogers sat there on the ledge of the room, watching his friend, his lover, his world fight, his finger numbly tracing the shape of the bondmark on his forearm that mirrored Bucky's good forearm. Bucky was beating a punching bag senseless but still careful of his left arm, not using it. He didn't want to destroy the punching bag....And this was hard to watch, at least he wasn't in tears...this time. 

Steve hopped down off the edge, walking over. "What'd it do this time," Steve asked softly, trying to hold a playful tone. Bucky stopped on a dime and pulled his arms down to his sides.

"Nothing," Bucky murmured looking down. Since everything was said and done, there'd been no physical contact between Bucky and Steve. Not when they got here, to T'Challa's home that was secluded in Wankanda. "I figure it's safer to spar with something that's not breathing," Bucky said cutting the other man's thoughts short. 

"Buck," Steve said softly as he reached out to touch his hand but in that moment Bucky  pulled back, out of Steve's reach. Steve dropped his hand as he felt a cold wash over his body as he tried to keep a poker face up. 

"Steve. I still don't know," Bucky said not making eye contact as he stepped back again, "I still see all of the faces...The ones that I've killed...The ones that had no hope of escaping, of living another day..." 

Steve pursed his lips as he stepped closer again, and managed to grasp hold of Bucky's hand, the one of warmth and flesh rather than the cold metallic hand. "It wasn't you," Steve said sternly as he slipped his fingers in between Bucky's fingers. Bucky let the other man hold his hand, let him calm his nerves slightly. "Bucky, that wasn't you, and you know it," The blonde said more determined.

"But it was me. It was me Steve," Bucky's voice held the slightest shake as he gently tugged at his hand. 

Steve held the other man's hand tighter before pulling it up to his lips to softly kiss his knuckles. "It wasn't you...It might have been your body but it wasn't the Bucky I love," Steve said more determined, as he nuzzled the back of Bucky's hand looking at him with weary eyes. 

"Steve," Bucky said softly, he hated seeing Steve so tired so worn down. It reminded him of their past, of the beginning, of the sick scrawny blonde. Of the boy he tried to protect, to keep from joining the army, trying to save him of the rough life that he'd have ahead of him. Of course it never stopped the blond, always determined to keep up with his bonded lover. Bucky's free hand started to move toward's Steve's waist, but quickly drops back to his side as a flash of a memory resurfaced. Fear welling up inside of him that he'd hurt this man, the one he'd loved for years, for decades, even when he couldn't even remember his own name. 

"Buck?" Steve softly murmured as Bucky clenched his eyes shut and pulled his hand free, staggering back and hitting a low work out machine.

 _"Fuck!_ " Bucky swore in Russian as he reached back holding himself up. The woman looking up at him, begging and pleading for mercy, begging to stay alive, spewing that she had a child that was only a few years old, that she had to go home, to make sure they were okay. Things that people have been told to talk about when faced with something life threatening like this. He hadn't even hesitated as he cocked his gun and quickly put a stop to the words that fell on deaf ears. 

Tears budding at Bucky's eyes, though he refused to let them fall. He gasped for air to calm his ragged breaths. Steve moving to comfort the man, his hands going to his shoulders. 

"Bucky, it's okay. I'm he-" Steve started to soothingly murmur but was cut off as he was shoved back. His eyes growing as he fell on his butt as he had been caught off guard. 

Bucky finally opened his eyes looking down at the other man and feeling a wave of guilt wash over him. "S-Steve," He hiccuped but didn't dare move, keeping hold of the machine once again, "Steve...I'm not fucking safe, why do you keep trying so hard to save me? I'm not him, I'm not who I used to be anymore...I want to believe you, I really do. I wanna believe that I'm still me...But I still can get manipulated. I can still hurt people. A few fucking Russian words and I'm not me, I'm the Winter Soldier. I become a heartless monster that doesn't hesitate to pull a damn trigger on a woman who had a child! I didn't hesitate to kill anyone. I would be assigned to kill someone, and I did it. The only time I didn't was with you...I could remember your face, a spark but nothing more. I couldn't remember your name." Bucky's emotions spilling over as tears fell down his cheeks.

It was moments like these that killed Steve inside. He knew just how much it took to push this man who held himself, that kept a poker face on almost all of the time to finally crack and break down like this. Steve had pushed himself up and made his way back to the other man. The blonde slipping his arms around the brunette's waist, gripping the back of his shirt. His face pressed into the crook of Bucky's shoulder and neck. 

"Bucky," Steve muffled softly before leaning back and reaching up to cup Bucky's cheeks, his thumbs softly wiping Bucky's tears. Bucky carefully, carefully moved his hands to softly hold the small of Steve's back, touching him as if he was made out of glass and a simple too rough of a touch would shatter him. 

"It's okay Bucky," Steve murmured softly, "It'll be okay. I've got you, I promise you." Bucky pressed his face in against Steve's shoulder, hiding his face as tears finally poured out of him. His fears swallowing him up, and Steve was his only source of staying above water. "Bucky, you're still the same person I fell in love with. The same person I've been bonded to. We've had good times, and bad, and we'll face them all together no matter what," Steve said hiccuping as he rubbed the back of Bucky's neck. 

"Yo-you'll love m-me even wh-when I'm not the he-hero anymore," Bucky hiccuped. 

"You'll always, always be a hero to me," Steve said holding onto the man tighter. With that Bucky broke down crying more as he held onto the other man as tight as he could, afraid of losing himself, afraid of losing the man he had loved for years and years. Slowly the two sank to the floor, Steve holding Bucky protectively. 

Bucky hiccuped and shuddered his body, twitching and struggling to stay in one piece. Steve bit his lip and clenched his eyes shut as he held the man that many nights had held him, saved him from breaking and losing himself. 

"Buck, I've loved you before the bonds showed up, I loved you with all my heart," Steve murmured next to the other man's ear, "I loved you so much. I was scared that our marks wouldn't match, that we'd end up separated. I was horrified at the thought of losing you to someone else." He softly nuzzled the crying man, Bucky holding onto him tighter. "The only thing I hated was that unlike the others, we couldn't show it. We couldn't be public like the straight couples," Steve hiccuped.

Bucky moved slightly desperately kissing the blond's lips, desperate and needy. He was just as scared as Steve, scared of losing the one person he loved. Steve kissed him back, filling those needy kisses with his own. Steve's fingers softly rubbing the breaking man's back.

Eventually the brunette's tears slowed down to hiccups, his face pressed against Steve's crook, between his neck and shoulder. Steve softly kissed the other man's forehead and cheeks, down his nose and softly pecking his lips. Bucky leaned into those kisses, his fingers still holding onto Steve's shirt like a child afraid to be taken from their parent.

"Me too," Bucky muffled into his neck, "I hated that...I hated not being able to hold your hand....or share a milkshake....Or kiss your cheek....I hated going out with the girls....or seeing you with Peggy...She was okay, but I didn't want you with anyone..." Bucky's voice was raspy due to the crying. 

Steve smiled softly nodding, "I know...No matter who I'd been with you were still the one I thought about....Even when we were separated...I could still feel you, the mark would blur but it came back every time you did." He nuzzled against Bucky's temple softly peppering light kisses there. "It's kinda nostalgic though, though our spots are reversed," He said with a soft smile, "I like holding you though...Just like this." Bucky slightly chuckled leaning closer and kissing his jaw. 

"Who would've imagined a cute scrawny sick blond boy from Brooklyn would grow up to be so damn handsome, and stronger than me," Bucky teased though pressed into him more. Steve snickered as he leaned back so he was able to kiss Bucky's lips. Bucky kissed him back more desperate than anything, just to prove that he loved Steve the most, that no matter what changed around them they still had each other. 

"You ready...To go back...S-share a room?" Steve asked softly nuzzling his hair. Buck bit his lip and nodded. Bucky had already talked to T'Challa...and was waiting till the right time to...to do what he thought was the right thing to do. 

"Yeah...I w-want to go back to our room," Bucky said softly. It was the first time since they got there that Bucky had called it their room, rather than sleeping in a whole separate room. Steve smiled as he slowly stood them back up, Bucky leaning on the other man for support. "It's good....that you've gotten stronger," Bucky murmured as he slightly stood up more before swooping the other man up, kissing his cheek softly, "But I still like being the one to carry you around." 

Steve laughed, full of light and happiness, unaware of what Bucky was planning for tomorrow...Steve just leaned in slipping his arms around the other's neck, kissing his jaw, neck, his Adam's apple, and in the process leaving small hickeys. Marks they didn't have to hide anymore. In this day and age, they didn't have to hide what their feelings for the other was...Or more so it was more acceptable, though not completely accepted by everyone. 

Bucky kicked their door open, and closed it with the back of his foot before walking to the bed that Steve had been sleeping in alone. Kissing the man's lips more and more desperate to show his love for the blond, his hands going to the hem of his shirt, pulling it off before letting Steve pull off his own. Both of their hands carefully touching and smoothing along all of the lines along their chests. Bucky's lips were the first to break apart, kissing along Steve's jaw down his neck. He peppered Steve's chest with kisses, spending attention on both the pink nubs of nerves, making sure both became sensitive between his teeth. While he worked on that his fingers worked on the button of Steve's pants. 

Steve was moaning, groaning and gasping as his fingers threaded through Bucky's hair. His hips slightly jerking up to feel pressure from the other man's hands as he worked on undoing his pants. The first time they'd touched each other in days, weeks, and god it felt good. Steve laid back looking up at Bucky as Bucky finally pulled Steve's pants and briefs down. Bucky drinking in the view, memorizing every line, every structure of the other man's muscles. He didn't know when the next time he'd see this body, this man's perfection. He smiled sadly before leaning down and kissing down the center of Steve's chest, down his stomach to his waist, his hand already gently wrapping around Steve's harden member.  

Steve had to bite down on his lip, trying to hide his moan as Bucky's calloused hand started to carefully pump his dick. "Bu-Bucky," Steve moaned as his breath hitched in his throat, Bucky's eyes on Steve's flushed face which only darkened as he realized he was being watched. 

"Your face," Bucky murmured, "Is the best like this." He winked before running his tongue up along the length of the harden member in front of him, taking the head into his mouth. His tongue swirling generously around the head as he slowly took more in as he rubbed his hand along the remaining portion. 

Steve hips slightly bucked up as the warmth engulfed his member. God, please don't let this be a dream, don't let him wake up alone and cold in this bed. "Bucky," He panted and moaned. Bucky grinned slightly around the member as he carefully warmed his metallic fingers up before gently slipping one finger inside of the blond boy's sweet booty. Steve gasped as a shudder ran through him, it'd been a while since that place had been touched, Bucky being the only person to ever be allowed to touch that spot. After a bit though Bucky added a second and then a third, and as Steve's body readjusted added a fourth to make sure he was spread out enough that Bucky wouldn't hurt him. Eventually he pulled his head back popping Steve's member out of his mouth with a loud popping noise. 

Steve's body was twitching as he was gasping, "Bucky, please, I need you..I want you!" Bucky grinned as he undid his own pants and let them fall to the floor before crawling into bed and quickly slipping inside of the warmth of Steve's ass. That had sent the blond over the edge, tightening around Bucky as his sticky fluids splattered onto his own stomach. Bucky's lips went to Steve's kissing him, leading the blond's mouth to open up so they could kiss deeper. Bucky led the kiss deeper as he finally started to move his hips gently at first only to speed up at Steve's request. 

Both men quickly coated in sweat, rolling on the bed so Bucky was laying on his back while Steve rode him. Steve moaning as he moved his hips harder against Bucky's. Bucky slowly sat up up so he could hold the other man's waist as Steve's arms slipped around Bucky's neck. Steve's lips curled in a delirious smile as his hips grinding down harder letting Bucky's dick hit deeper inside of him, hitting a new spot that made Steve cum again, this time hitting his lover's stomach, though this time around made Bucky grip Steve's waist tugging him completely down as his lips crushed against that delirious smile in a deep kiss as he filled the blond boy up with his warm seed. Bucky's groans and Steve's moans harmonizing as they both enjoyed the bliss. But with Bucky knowing what was going to happen the following day he rolled them back over so he was hovering over Steve, gripping his waist as he started to move again. He wanted to leave the man with good memories. 

Bucky kissed at the other man's neck leaving hickeys that'd be purple by morning. And once they'd gone through a second, third, and a fourth round Bucky finally collapsed upon Steve. Both men panting as Bucky slipped his arms around Steve, kissing his chest and neck, shoulders and jaw. In between panting Bucky softly murmured over and over sweet 'I love yous'. Steve had a slight sinking feeling behind the bliss...something was going on and Bucky wasn't telling him...

But for now he just smiled and softly kissed at Bucky's forehead as his legs still held onto Bucky's waist. "I love you," Steve murmured as he ran his fingers up the back of Bucky's neck and threading in his long hair. Carefully Bucky pulled out of him and moved up on the bed pulling Steve up next to him, curling around the man, still holding onto him protectively. 

"I love you too Stevie," Bucky softly murmured kissing his face. Steve slightly chuckled at the nickname before curling into the warmth of his chest before letting sleep pull him under rather than worrying about what was going on. Bucky watched the blond man sleep, kissing his face, softly tucking his hair behind his ear. Watching as the morning sun filtered into the room, carefully protecting Steve's face instead of letting the morning sun hit him in the eyes. He deserved the sleep considering how late the two had stayed up to make good memories...

Eventually though Steve yawned and curled into Bucky as he woke up. Steve smiled tiredly up at the brunette, "Morning sunshine."

Bucky laughed softly kissing his partner's forehead, "Morning sleeping beauty." The two cuddled for a while before getting up. Bucky sat on the bed's edge after they got dressed, pulling Steve to him. His heart racing more knowing he had to eventually tell Steve what was going on...He had to. 

"Stevie," Buck softly murmured. Steve looked up searching the other man's brown eyes, he knew in the depths of those eyes that something was hiding and it wasn't a surprise kiss. "I'm...I'm going back under....Until...until they find a way to remove the rest of what Hydra did to me," Bucky's words were soft but the meaning hit Steve like a brick wall. Tears pricking at Steve's blue eyes but swallowing the tears back.

"B-but you don't have too," Steve's voice quivered. Bucky softly kissed his cheeks.

"I don't want to lose myself Steve...I don't ever want them to be able to use me again. I don't want them to be able to snap me to that person, and...and end up hurting someone again...hurting you," Bucky's words were still gentle but Steve couldn't help but cry. He'd known last night was holding more meaning that Bucky was letting on. Bucky held his bonded mate, kissing his temple, his forehead, his hair. 

"Wh-what if...Wh-what if we can't?" Steve hiccuped looking at him desperately. 

"You will...You've got Tony and Peter...And I know you. You're too determined to let there be no hope. You believed in me when I didn't...When I don't believe in myself," He mused kissing him softly again on the lips, "I love you Steve Rogers, I love you with all my heart. I'm going to keep loving you. I'll always be here for you...I might be asleep but you can come to me...I'll be dreaming of you. I'll be dreaming of us, of a future where we won't have to worry anymore. You and me, our happy little home in Brooklyn. W-we can live there together wh-when I'm fixed...Just like old times, b-but better. We won't have to worry anymore...We'll go to coney island, ride the cyclone." He's smile slightly faltered but Steve nodded as he wiped at his tears.

"You promise? You and me," Steve hiccuped. Bucky nodded kissing his mate's forehead. 

"Yes, I promise. We'll go down to the old mom and pop's and get milkshakes, visit Coney Island, walk the broadwalk. We'll watch the sunset, and count the stars, and see if we can find the one that leads to Asgard," Bucky said hopefully. Steve hiccuped and nuzzled into him. They stayed in the room till T'Challa called Bucky down. Steve stayed by Bucky's side, holding his hand proudly, not letting fear of being ridiculed dampen this. This would be the last time they'd be able to hold hands for a long, long time. Steve watched the process, watched as Bucky went over to the machine with it's door open. Steve's eyes welled with tears as he got to move in, get to say his last goodbye.

"This really isn't a good bye Stevie," Bucky said softly, "We'll see each other soon. I'll see you in my dreams. And I'll be here for you. I'll look for you when I'm awoken. Got it?" Steve bobbed his head as he leaned into him, kissing one last time before stepping back. He watched as he wiped the tears away, waving goodbye as he mouthed a "I love you" just as Bucky softly smiled before closing his eyes. He looked like he was asleep when the frost covered his face. 

T'Challa moved to the captain and softly murmured, "This is just an incentive to find the cure, captain. We should start on that. My men have started to dig through the Hydra lair back in Siberia. We have a few leads...." T'Challa's words felt like a light-year away but he nodded. He stood there watching his man 'sleep' for a moment before letting the prince lead him away. Heavy heart as he thought about Bucky's words. This was only temporary. They'd find the cure and they'd have their happily ever after...One day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhh, my feels hurt....Really, really bad orz


End file.
